The Value of Things

I was quite literally in the middle of having a mini breakdown tonight, because an anklet that means a lot to me started to unravel somehow. Foolishly, I expected to have it with me forever. It’s made of the kind of material that makes up the handles on kayaks, so its durable, waterproof and it looks sick. I glanced down as I was sitting on our couch and I saw that it was beginning to fray. Then I realized that one of the tiny amethyst beads was missing and that it would literally all fall apart if I didn’t take it off within the night. I tried to make myself take it off for 10 minutes before I could literally bear to unclasp it from my ankle. Even now, as I’m sitting here I feel bare without its familiar touch.

When it comes down to it, I know it is just a thing and that I can get it fixed (I hope) when I get home and that it’s the furthest thing from the end of the world. But it won’t ever be the same either. That bead will be missing. The Indonesian craftsman who originally put the piece together will no longer have been the only one to construct it. A piece of it will be missing and it feels like something was taken from inside of me.

I know I put way too much meaning on things. Objects, symbols, moments, words, all of it. But I cannot help but feel that these are the things that make me. It’s about who gave me the anklet just as much as it is about the anklet itself, and that’s so important to be mindful of.

It is more of the fact that I’ve had this anklet on since February when I got it and it’s been with me now at school and when my tire came off my car over spring break and when I went to South Carolina this summer. It’s remained there through five foreign countries in the last month, as well as through so many personal accomplishments throughout those places.

It’s not about the anklet but it is.

How am I supposed to just leave it on a shelf until January when it is supposed to be a piece of me?

How am I supposed to just let it go?

The value of things varies so greatly, but the connections we have to them is often so important that it is painful when those things are gone.

I was going to say something about how I’ll get new things, but I don’t want to say that. Because I don’t want to replace that with some other meaningless object. The truth of it is that sometimes things don’t go the way we want and all that is left is for us to accept it.

I expected this to console me somehow, but it doesn’t. I don’t feel better knowing that it’s just a piece of jewelry. And that’s okay. Sometimes it’s okay not to be quite okay. We always act like things don’t bother us or like they aren’t a big deal. But I place a huge value on symbolic things and that’s how I see the anklet, so of course it makes sense that it hurts that its gone.

*I wrote this about three weeks ago, which is crazy because time is flying here, but I still feel weird not having it on me. I figured that I’d just get used to not having it the way that I so quickly adjusted to feeling the little ball on the end of the adjustable latch hitting my ankle. But that hasn’t happened yet. Maybe eventually the value of this thing will change, but I’m still waiting for that day.