May 11, 2022: I’m sitting here in Tulum, Mexico on the huge couch in the living room of our 2-story AirBnB (located in the heart of Aldea Zamá) writing a piece about my reflections on study abroad and lessons I’ve learned along the way.
It’s not lost on me that this comes at I time when I have been contemplating my own personal career path and trajectory in life.
I can’t help but feel like a fraud as I write about being ‘most comfortable outside of my comfort zone’ because, at this moment, I’m realizing that I’ve allowed myself to slip back into my comfort zone in a huge way.
I love the work that I do at my current full-time job, where I landed fresh out of college, but I’ve also been pulled to do something more creative since my first month of work and have pushed that desire back because of ‘stability’ and telling myself that I’ll be ‘making a change soon.’
When exactly is soon though?
I typically get to say that my younger self would be so damn proud of me now… and she would be, on the surface. I have a job that I literally listed as my ‘dream job after college,’ I travel at least once a month and often internationally, and I have flexibility and freedom and friends, so what is wrong with this picture?
The issue is that I’m living in a way that my 19-year-old self would have envisioned as the best possible outcome, but I’m not her anymore.
What I can see, at this exact moment, is that I am my “future self” to that younger Anna, but I’m also my “past self” that a version of me will reflect on someday and I’m not so sure she’d be as proud of this way of existing.
As my interests have shifted and I see my friends continuing to grow in their passions, I realize that I feel stuck on the edge of mine.
I realize that I’ve allowed myself to slide into a day-to-day existence that actually feels so much less comfortable than if I were pushing myself constantly to strive for the more that I so desperately crave.
I keep moving forward and waiting on the “someday” even as I take these trips with my best friends and am living a life that is so close, but just slightly askew, to what I really want to be doing.
Life is full of moments that are created by versions of ourselves that cause the past and present to collide, in a way that is a harsh reminder of the responsibility that the me that exists right now, at this second, has to do better, and be better, not only for my past self but so much more so for the future self that is still waiting to have someone else figure things out.
Interjection as I edit this in August of 2022-
*I got to have these realizations amidst working remotely, for both my full-time and freelance positions, while sitting in penthouse Airbnbs. What a way to have a breakthrough, right?
We spent the weeks in Tulum in this flow state that saw a balance of early morning breakfasts and early mornings in the VIP section of clubs. We worked and created content, while also doing yoga and having deeper conversations about who we are as people. The trip was a dream. It was the best part of the year for me.
I also spent this trip feeling as if I was surrounded by people that were steps ahead of me in life on this trip. That’s because I was.
You know what, though?
I’ve realized that being the least successful person in the room can be a good thing. That means that I was surrounded by an environment that had me yearning to do better and learn more and pursue the goals that I wanted to pursue.
Which brought me to this sort of internal realization and ultimatum to myself:
I do get to freelance write articles and edit videos right now, but I would love to have the time to build on those passions and develop my own personal ‘brand’ so much more.
I want to prioritize spending months in Spanish-speaking countries to immerse myself again and regain the confidence in my abilities that this trip shows me I have so desperately lost. I want to do more than understand everything being said around me and just nod along, or sit in silence for 5 minutes while trying to work up the courage to say the things that I know how to, but simply cannot find the air to bring to the outside world.
I want to put myself into a world full of discomfort, so that it eventually outshines any nervousness I feel when practicing a language that, not too long ago, I spoke so much more clearly. I need to find that part of myself again.
I want to work in a hostel and spend my time hiking and pouring drinks and having genuine conversations with people I just met.
Looking at the way that my life looks in this moment, any of the past versions of myself would still be proud of where I am and what I’m doing… until they looked below the surface of my life and saw how desperately close I am to having the job(s) and motivation and growth that I truly need to feel like myself.
This trip has been a lot for me, because it’s started to push me to see how comfortable I’ve allowed myself to get.
Discomfort, for me, is not random trips or new locations, or being spontaneous. It is finding the pieces of myself that I like most when I’m alone and being okay with being alone to start with.
I’ve seen how my interactions with those around me can change when I’m feeling happy with my personal position, versus when I’m feeling like I need to be doing something different. Even with my closest friends, I get quieter when I cannot find the right words to express where I am on my journey.
Being here in Tulum is the last blog post that I wrote and actually published prior to this one, though there were so many trips in between. That trip was also the last video that I posted on my Youtube channel and the last video that I fully edited for myself instead of for a client. I think that seeing that this is the space where my creativity thrived and then stopped, as well as the last time I really made an effort with my Spanish, has made me feel this buildup of static energy that has actually been growing for a long time.
Not to get too personal, but I think that sometimes it’s so easy for others to see someone traveling, and posting on social media, and to get a false impression that they are living their best lives and absolutely thriving. That may even be the case, but it’s not as easy to see that they may also be frantically figuring out ways to just be doing something, anything, different.
For now, I’ll reflect on the last 2 weeks (2 full weeks!!) of being here in Mexico and getting to know this Tulum area so much better. I’ll spend the next half of a week being present and intentional, and remembering to breathe.
The rest will come, but not because I sit back and let it. Things will fall into place when I start taking the action to allow for it. So, the next time you’re reading one of my blogs, I’m hoping there is an update about some cool new location and adventure, but also a realization about who I am and where the hell I’m going from here.
*Update: As an already positive addition, I spoke more Spanish than I have this entire trip after writing this piece. Sometimes it just takes a slight change to push you back to where you need to be, and for that I am grateful.
I also made the first video I’ve created for myself in a while, a quick recap of our 17 days in Mexico.
One last note, this piece is being published after my last one- about moving on from my current position and actively changing my trajectory. I think that even the version of me that wrote this back in May, just 3 months ago, would be in awe had she known I’d follow through with my decision. So, there’s that realization about where I hope to go next.
Cheers.
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